A poor excuse for a conspiracy

Published 10/22/98

Random shots from a loose cannon...

° An open letter to Hillary Clinton: I have just discovered another player in your vast right-wing conspiracy accusation. On a tiny cable network, two young punks are brainwashing millions of unsuspecting skulls of mush a week. With the frequent death of one of its show's characters, Matt Stone and Trey Parker are systematically programming the minds of our youth to hate the poor.

In the show that both of them produce, "South Park," they feature four bratty third-graders who have bad attitudes with the mouths to match. One of these characters is a hooded little boy named Kenny, and in every episode Kenny somehow, some way, dies.

Why don't any of Kenny's friends die? Because the other three kids have parents who are well-off. Kenny's family is poor. They live on the other side of the tracks. Kenny eats frozen waffles for dinner and sleeps in a rat-infested house.

We in America hate the poor. If we had our way in this greedy capitalist nation, we'd ship all the poor off to a third-world country to show them what poor really is.

Anyway, when Kenny dies in each episode we are desensitizing our children to the assault on our country's poor. Every time Kenny gets eaten by a monster or gored by a bull, we sit back, laugh and say "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"

Something must be done to stop this malicious assault on both our children and this country's downtrodden. Perhaps a stronger V-Chip warning at the beginning of "South Park." Perhaps airing commercials saying that watching Comedy Central is bad, okay? Or perhaps the solution to all of our problems...education.

° Speaking of taking advantage of the poor, the people at Kellogg's Raisin Bran is in a position to increase its corporate profits by getting permission by the government to subsidize its product to those less fortunate. If it was so important for Raisin Bran to give food to the poor, why doesn't it do it on its own and simply disregard the money it could make?

° If the Steelers don't get their act together, it could be an ugly couple of months for the black-and-gold faithful. With a schedule that has upcoming opponents like the Kansas City Chiefs, Green Bay Packers, New England Patriots, Jacksonville Jaguars and the potentially dangerous Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the odds of the Steelers going to the playoffs could be in the same category as the Penguins pulling a profit this year.

° Having a rare opportunity to watch one of my favorite programs last week, "Jeopardy!", I feel there should be a law that anyone who doesn't bet at least half of their money doesn't deserve a Daily Double. It just takes away all the fun of the game.

Has anyone seen a Final Jeopardy segment where at least two of the contestants are in the hole? What'd happen?

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