Joe Camel, thanks for the memories

Published 3/19/98

One subject that has been fuming me for quite some time now is the whole ordeal involving the tobacco companies.

Yes, yes, I know those multi-zillion dollar corporations lied many moons ago to the public and said smoking wasn't addictive, but come on, isn't enough enough already?

If tobacco is such a deadly poison, then why doesn't our government outlaw it? Maybe because it produces another product our government leaders like to burn on occasion.

Money.

About a year or so ago, a bill was introduced in Congress that would have raised cigarette taxes by $1.50 in order to provide health care to kids.

Called the Kennedy-Hatch bill, it was eventually defeated in the Senate. However, that hasn't stopped other "worthwhile" causes to make the cancer-stick smoker take a bit more out of his wallet to satisfy his nicotine fix.

I'm not even going to comment on the ridiculous new law that went into effect that forces everyone who doesn't look 27 years old to present ID at a store while purchasing cigarettes. That law is as cumbersome as the "R" rating at your local cinema.

In a way, you can compare the tobacco industry to a battered spouse and the government its nasty live-in. No matter how much Big Brother abuses Phillip Morris and R.J. Reynolds through regulations, they always come back to them whenever it's time to make some more money through a tax here or a tax there.

Please don't be under the misconception that I feel sorry for big tobacco. And these settlements that they are dishing out left and right is nothing more than chump change to them. They should have taken the alcohol companies' strategy and say, "Hey, you know what? We're bad for you. Yeah, that's right! You smoke up constantly for over 20 or 30 years you could get cancer."

How hard would that have been? So Phillip Morris would have to wait a week or so to make $1,000,000,000,000, but wouldn't it have been worth all the hassle and aggravation that they are experiencing now?

There is a positive side to all this. Perhaps our lashing out on tobacco means there is nothing else substantial going on in America that we as a people have to worry about. Pooh on that Saddam Hussein and his anthrax (I prefer the Ramones anyway,.)

After all, the economy is good, inflation is down and jobs are up. Yay. We used to fear communism and nuclear war. Now our archenemy is the Marlboro Man. My, how times change.

If I should ever have the good fortune of producing any kind of legal product within the United States, you can bet for sure I'll be trying to get Joe Camel as a spokesperson.

I figure if he influenced all the masses like those in the health industry say he did, then my brand should fly off the shelves like hotcakes.

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